Unsuspecting Colonial Tourists narrowly averted death today after panic arose at the Changing of the Guards when a horde of recent asylum seekers rushed the palace gates as they were opened for the changing of the guards!
While details are still hazy, it appears rumours of free council rooms at the palace were posted on the internet with a first come first served caveat leading to the hysterical rush to the gate crushing many unwary tourists.
There was tension in the air even as this observer arrived early at the Victoria Memorial and were shoved unceremoniously up against the guard rail by a busload of German Tourists intent on securing the best viewing area for the impressive display whilst snacking on a picnic brunch of black bread, bloodwurst and chunks of Limburger.
One tourist, who does not even remotely resemble Neville Chamberlain, deterred the frontal assault using artful hip thrusts, a flying spin move, and elbows to the solar plexus to the aggressive German storm trooper who tried to intimidate HER way to the front of the queue.
Order was restored when a 7 1/2 stone Metropolitan Horse Guard woman, clad in very form fitting tight black riding britches astride a magnificent horse measuring 18 hands bowled into the crowd of snarling Germans and forced them back into a semblance of order . The very fit officer, resembling a much younger Jamie Lee Curtis in her prime, including prominent nipples
strictly at attention, was able to bring the crowd back under control.
Meanwhile on the Common, foot patrol officers had their hands full with a group of Ethiopians who were fighting with the pigeons for the various crumbs scattered by tourists, while a contingent of Haitians still wearing their life jackets and carrying their inner tubes were doing their laundry in one of the local picturesque fountains.
Things got wildly out of hand when the gates to the palace were opened to accept the contingent for the changing of the guard including the marching band, when a cheering ground of recent arrivals from Poland, Bulgaria and Czechoslovakia surged forward trailing suitcases on wheels, Tesco Bags full of Cabbage and loaves of fresh baked bread in order to secure their housing allotment.
Near panic ensued as the unarmed Metropolitan Horse Guards tried to prevent the assault to no avail.
It was at this moment, a moment of historic import that saved a tragedy from occurring, that a strong American Voice was heard to ring out over the crowd proclaiming, "Back Off! Elton John is coming out to meet you!" At the same time the tall Innocent Abroad ran out onto the common and seized the Baton from the Band leader and with authority shouted out a few instructions, and with a forceful baton movement the band broke into a rousing rendition of "ROCKET MAN."
During the moment of indecision on the part of the crowd, interior defense officials managed to secure the gate to the palace and redirected the crowd to toward Piccadilly Circus under the promise that the Coalition was handing out free hoodies for the first 500 arrivals.
Efforts to identify the fast thinking American was to no avail as he refused
a meeting with the Queen, any member of the Coalition, or even the head of Scotland Yard who wanted to thank him for averting an embarrassing public tragedy.
He did ask for, and receive, direction to a pub not too far away that served cold beer, something he had been searching for in vain since he arrived in Britain almost a fortnight ago.
When last seen he was using sign language to the Lithunian Bar Maid and pointing to the tap that clearly stated: "Carlsberg--COLD!"