Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Drugs, Isle of Wight

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

image for Isle Of Wight Outrage At Possible Landmark Name Change
A needle, today (concealed within a haystack, with a junkie going 'cold turkey' on top!)

Council officials have angered local bumpkins on the Isle of Wight, by suggesting they rename the famous Needles near Alum Bay, off the western point of the island.

Councillor Wilf Burlap was speaking at a town meeting, called to try and increase tourism to the island, when he made the shocking announcement.

He said "in this day and age we need to attract people, not put them off! You go calling a beauty spot 'The Needles' and instantly you get all sorts of drug related connotations!"

"People will roll up thinking they'll be confronted by junkies, having to step over used drug paraphernalia and dodging gun fights between rival dealers!" he continued.

"If only we were to change the name to something more family friendly, The Chalk Points? Or Sharks Teeth Point, perhaps?"

"You wouldn't get the Americans calling a national landmark geyser 'Ol' Urinator', would you? Or the Italians at Pisa calling it 'The Slightly Flacid Tower'? It would put people off!" he finished.

But there was a huge backlash from the three other islanders in attendance. Mary Bloodstock, 67, said "they have been the Needles since the 1700's, if not before! To change them now would be idiotic and a travesty!"

"I mean, fair enough, they do look more like shark's teeth than needles, but that's not the point!" she continued, "And anyway, if there was a Slightly Flacid Tower of Pisa, I'd still go! Better flacid than none at all, eh? Eh?? Haha ha!!"

Quite.

The debate raged well past 9:30pm and is set to divide this once close knit community. An unofficial vote is set to take place next week to determine the true feeling of the island, before putting it to the government to finally decide.

What is your opinion? Does 'The Needles' sound like a junkies paradise, or do you think they deserve to remain named as they are?

Answers on a postage stamp via the Royal Mail.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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