Scotland Yard was alerted today after a strange incident on Tothill Street, just mere meters from their headquarters when a visiting sleuth managed to solve a crime right under the noses of the British coppers causing the locals no end of embarrassment!
A former intelligence officer with multiple identities disguised as a dazed and confused tourist from the colonies, managed to lure out from hiding a consummate con man who had been leaving local law enforcement holding their collective weenies for the past two years.
Traveling under the passport of a deceased, not to mention retired, Scotland Yard alcoholic inspector, the aged man looked like a right easy mark for the wanted felon who was known as "The Tic-Toc Man" as he plied his trade in both purloined and chinese knock off egg timers throughout downtown London to unwary visitors and residents alike.
According to the arrest report filed by the agent under the name of Morse, he had picked a likely haunt to set up the sting operation not only in the shadow of Scotland Yard, but of Westminster Abbey and Parliament after studying the modus operandi of the Tic Toc Man who plied his trade under the noses of the establishment as if to taunt them.
Sitting near the door in a wrinkled trench coat and holding a map detailing local points of interest and the bus schedule for the Red Line, Morse looked like the perfect mark,especially since he waited 4 hours at his table for a waitress to take his order for a gin & tonic, pretending not to know the local customs regarding self service.
As Morse tells the story, " I was about to give it up for the evening and hop down to the local S&M club and meet with some of my former colleagues in MI5 when a 4'11" man wearing a 5'14" black leather trench coat and a porkpie hat approached my table in a conspiratorial attitude. I noticed he also had a rather large purple thumb on his right hand, and 17 stitches over his left eye that looked rather done with a knitting needle by a Bolivian Medic who was probably drunk at the time.
Looking around in furtive manner, just like the rat that had just scurried amidst the tables, he sidled up to me, open up his coat to display not only his shriveled genitals, but a collection of egg timers, some even handsomely painted in the genre of Bob Ross, a TV personality much favoured by Irish Artisans and Portsmouth Punters.
"Here mate, try some of these if you fancy to make some money! These timers are bound to appreciate just like a Faberge Egg....In fact Catherine the Great was known to use one just like this here with the painted horse on it commemorating one of her more private moments!"
"Don't like that one....try this one...one just like it was instrumental in catching the infamous shoe bomber when he set it for 20 minutes not realizing it was designed for a 3 minute egg....don't go past 3 minutes don't you know...stupid sod then tried to light his shoe off using an E-cigarette.....Fooking Daft he WAS!"
Feeling he had enough on tape to send Tic Toc away for awhile unless Health and Safety concerns influenced the verdict over Terminal Shrinking Penis Syndrome, Morse made a citizens arrest, blew his whistle, and turned a stunned Tic Toc over to a rookie officer who happened to be just outside issuing tickets to people smoking in the doorway, almost a capital offense in a country that doesn't believe in the death penalty.
As he was being escorted into the wagon on to detainment, Tic Toc was heard to cry, "You haven't heard the last of olde Tic Toc...I'll be back, and this time I'm bringing me Barrister.....when she gets done with the likes of you you be lucky if you ever break into the Spoof's Top Ten ever again!"