Port Wenn, Cornwall - Local GP, Doctor Martin Ellingham today stiffly denied that he had officiated at the birth of the Cameron baby earlier this week as he addressed hordes of pressmen on the doorstep of his surgery.
Doc Martin - as the locals call him - informed the press that he had had no contact whatsoever with David Cameron, Samantha Cameron, their baby, or with any other Prime Minister past or present.
Local sources say that Ellingham couldn't possibly have delivered the Cameron baby because he was busy dealing with an elderly lady who had choked on a fish bone at a local restaurant.
Apparently, reporters were whipped into a frenzy by the possibility of Samantha Cameron giving birth in a forthcoming episode of Doc Martin, a possibility quickly dispelled by Doc Martin, who said:
"For the last time, I have no idea what colour knickers Samatha Cameron was wearing when she went into labour. No, I did not see her 'chuff' and no, the Prime Minister did not offer me a cigar. I was not present. At all. Now if you would all excuse me, by pissing off, I have work to do."
With that, Doc Martin kicked a dog up the arse and slammed the door on us.
More as we get it.