George Osborne has announced a new direction for the government's economic policy. Hardly able to talk through his tears, he told a hushed press conference today: "It's no use - nothing we do works, and everyone criticises us."
"I talk to the best economicists in the world and none of them agree and they just give me conflicting advice without being accountable or responsible for anything." He sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve, leaving a silvery trail a little like a snail's. "Everyone then blames me."
"So," He whimpered, "I asked Nick what I should do (I know David always agrees with him). He said I should think outside the box."
George then brightened up.
"That's when it struck me - I could do the same as that TV programme I always watch in the afternoon after "Come Dine with Me". I will put a different economic policy in a series of boxes and then completely randomly put a policy in my box. Then, using no skill or judgement whatsoever and relying completely on luck, people will open the boxes and eliminate certain policies and cuts, ending up with an overall economic policy that we then adopt."
Warming to his theme he continued: "The best thing is that apparently a banker intervenes at random intervals in an attempt to control things for his own benefit - so this keeps in with current practice. If the policy works I can take all the credit and if it doesn't then I can blame it on the banker. Or Noel Edmonds"
Apparently the new strategy is named "New deal or No Deal" after President Roosevelt's famous economic strategy.
In deference to the programme's presenter, the government will henceforth be called the Noel-ition"