Written by jozephb
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Wednesday, 27 April 2005

The Folkstone and Hythe Conservative Association today sensationally announced that their candidate,the little known Michael Howard, is 'fit for MP'. This comes as newspaper speculation mounts about Mr Howards lack of policies and political credibilty, having served in the 92-97 Folkestone Council unsucessfully.

Michael Howard, who has chosen a Mr Crosby as his campaign manager, today said 'I have every confidence that Mr Howard will retain his huge majority in this close battle which is mainly against UKIP' - 'The problem with UKIP is that most of our supporters actually support them. Come to that, so does Mr Howard. And me.'

Mr Howard was born in Wales, educated at Cambridge and represents a seat in Kent, so it is only natural that he supports Liverpool football club.
We have manged to get hold of his policy scrapbook - and we can reveal a certain amount of it today.

1) Increase MP's pay and allowances.
2) Cut number of MPs in parliament (but only Labour seats)
3) Merge with UKIP and Veritas
4) Make Kilroy minister for Culture.
5) Accept all Romanian asylum seekers
6) Put on more gala dinners at the Carlton Club
7) Propose legislation to prevent David DAvis becoming leader
8) Propose legistlation to get David Cameron as leader.

Ah yes - said Mr Howard - Mr Blair has only taken a stand once during the last eight years - and that was a lie. And as for the European Constitution I am certain we can we because,lets face it, the kind of person who votes labour definately doesnt know what a constitution is, and probably cant even read.

From my humble education at Cambridge University I learnt how life can be a struggle for some people. That is why we propose more drug rehabilitaion centres - to get people off the street. If you are homelessm , then get stoned and we'll give you 6 months in a clinic. Nothing unaccountable about that!

I have every confidence that Mr Letwin, my petty-cash counter, will put these monies to a suitable use. Like free House of Commons whiskey!

So there you have it - Vote Conservative in Folkestone and Hythe. Please?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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