The world of international diplomacy was today shaken to it's core by the announcement of the new Middle East peace envoy.
Mr Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne, 43 spoke of his vision of Jew reaching out to Arab to usher in an age of enlightenment to the long troubled region.
Speaking from his home, a borrowed pigeon loft just outside Chester-Le-Street. Mr Gascoigne said "Aye canny lads, it's only a matter of letting these two utterly rational and reasonable faiths being brought together to talk the problems over".
He outlined his intention for a peace conference later in the year. "I've got sausages" he said "and bread". "They are the finest sausages mind, none of that Lidl value shit, all tits and ears. Willie Robson has gold medals for these, and they are noted, it says so on his shop window, or at least it did do until the boys bricked it in on the way home from St. James park after burying the villa".
Gazza, who appeared to be suffering a moment of temporary lucidity after accidentally sobering up went on "Aye, it's a doddle like, these Palestines are really nice fellas, we will just sit on the West Bank and do a bit of fishing and talk it through. I have been told it's really good fishing with no shopping trolleys to snag your tackle"