Kent - (Exodus, Movement of Jarred People News): Of all the Tory Heaven! oases in this green and unpleasant land Royal Tunbridge Wells probably least deserves its latest resident.
Lisa Presley, daughter of Elvis, arrived this week at a swish new bijou Tudorbethan mansion worth eight million squid - '...just half a mile from the city center and set in five lush acres behind sixty grandsworth of wrought iron gates...' - according to the estate agents' brochure.
"Whole place is going to the dogs!" Calverley Park Gardens resident Dame Daphne Hollyhock growled at reporters as the news spread.
"Enough to make one emigrate to the Punjab."
Hollyhock neighbor Major Sir Gussy Pomfret KCMG was equally dumbfounded:
"Talk about gonorrhea!" Major Gus spluttered inconsolably.
"Thought it was one of those damn Premiership footballers at first.
"Then this arse-faced dumpy woman emerged from the Roller!
"Now we're all doomed to catch the clap and die in our beds in this godforsaken bloody coalition government's idea of a sick joke, I tell you...."
Other residents are still coming to terms with initial shock, disbelief and denial as Presley's presence begins to sink in.
"Must be that Darky Obama's little spy," retired judge Sir Moorcock Pettywetter RA warned neighbors as Elvis' po-faced spawn strolled around the town's Pantiles tourist area.
The 40-something mother of two was seen sipping water from Tunbridge Wells' famous chalybeate spring oblivious that her presence was proving just too much for some.
"Effing cheek!" local abattoir owner Mrs Mavis Barnfeather commented to the press.
"Why couldn't she have decamped to Ascot where all the other painted foreign tarts go?
"About time ordinary decent people rallied round and rid us of this blight on our landscape!
"Anyone got a blunderbus?"