Coffee drinkers throughout the UK are running scared at the news that they may be refused help if they don't agree to drink decaffeinated coffee.
'I'm dependent on this drug' said business man Edgar Shott 'I have to have my caffeine or I go bananas. Without it there would be a Bankers crisis to shake the world - again.'
Programmes to gradually get sufferers off caffeine are tough and not every addict is able to take the suffering involved.
Tea is next. 'There's caffeine in tea' advised Dr Drinkwater 'it is addictive and people even think it does them good to have a cup of tea. Nothing could be further from the truth. It makes you more addicted. The only answer is the water cure. Drink water. That's my name and that's what I advise.'
The Government, ever eager to make life more miserable, is going to penalise people who drink coffee or tea and then do not comply with regimes to get them off the drugs. Any benefits or medical help can be refused.
The organiser of Drug Free World, Sophie Pyjamas has advised the Government against this move, however. She told me that addicts refused money would simply steal to get a fix. 'In Banking this may be pretty easy, but for the average person it could be insanity or a fix. They will knock out old ladies to get money. No one will be safe!'
Drug Czar Dr Hans Oppenheimer calls this alarmist talk. 'Enough of knee jerk reactions' he said, feeling gingerly between his legs 'we have got to get people to face up to the dangers of drugs. Tea and coffee are addictive and they can cause serious problems if taken to excess. Peeing in the streets can follow a serious binge. The Police are tired of mopping up the mess left behind by addicts.'