Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Bears, Wetwang

Thursday, 19 August 2010

image for Wetwang Man Had Jar Stuck On Head For Thirty Years - And A Bear Up His Arse For Twenty!
Barney's family: "We want him home again"

Stories currently circulating the internet about a bear that had a jar stuck on its head, or about a jar that had a bear stuck on its head, have prompted a Wetwang man to tell his own extraordinary tale about a jar he has kept on his head for the last thirty years, and a bear up his rectum for the last twenty!

Albert Twonk, 217, told his incredible story this week after hearing about the bear/jar story on satirical news website The Spoon. The Spoon is totally unrelated to the site on which you are now wasting your time.

Twonk told dozens of beer-guzzlers at his local pub The Black Swan that he had fallen out of a tree when he was 187, and that the jar had become stuck. He hadn't bothered to remove it. Ten years later, he was the victim of pranksters who shoved a live brown bear up his arse, where it has remained ever since. Twonk said:

"I feed it every day before bed. I dip me fingers in a pot of honey, and ram them up me ringpiece so that Barney - that's what I call him - can eat. It's not a perfect arrangement, but, under the circumstances, I feel it's the best I can do."

Asked about the jar atop his bonce, Twonk replied:

"Pardon me? You'll have to speak up. Can't you see I've got a jar atop my bonce?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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