HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Hog Jaw, Arkansas;, now the most talked about small town in the U.S., has closed its borders to "cans," namely "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaycans, Cubicans, Moslemcans, Presbytericans, and Unitaricans," says Phlem Lunger, President of the Hog Jaw Chamber of Commerce, Male Enhancement Clinic, and Chicken Pluckers Union 6969.
"We stand united with our brothers and sisters in Arizona, well, not them dirty Mexicans; but the clean, white Arizonians," said Lunger to ABSNN correspondent, Throckmorton Turdblossom, himself a Mormonican.
"President Barack Obama tops the No Entry List at the Hog Jaw International Marijuana Airstrip, Bird Bath and Dildo Emporium," said Lunger, "Cuz he's a damned African. I seen his Birth Certificate, goddammit!"
Obama moved to federalize the Arkansas National Guard, and ordered them to immediately occupy Hog Jaw, a move similar to that of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who remains dead in Abilene, Kansas, when he called troops to Little Rock in order to enforce court ordered desegregation in the high school there in the 1950's.
"Bring them puissant troops; we got a cannon, if'n Jim E. Crackcorn is out of the hospital yet," threatened Lunger.
"Well, I don't care," said Crackcorn from his kennel.