Buckingham Palace, London Friday 22 April - (Rioters) Her Majesty's official spokesman today confirmed that specialist staff at the Tower of London were planning a unique St George's Day surprise this year for front bench politicians of all persuasions.
A Palace website statement advised that due to the inherent lying, cheating, chicanery and criminal complicity endemic in British politics today, the Prime Minister would be the first public servant to submit to a high tech truth detector test to see if any vestige of veracity was still functioning in the frontal lobe.
And although this new scientific device looked suspiciously like a classic 16th century rack and thumb screw arrangement, the presence of yellow cake uranium cables linked to the interviewee's cranium made it an immensely scientific piece of equipment capable of detecting the slightest tremor of creditability.
A further announcement on the website confirmed that all members of the Blair Cabinet would be DNA-checked by the National Poisons Unit and cross-referenced to an Interpol data base of illegal immigrants and asylum seekers:
"With a reported 500,000 million illegals still in the country, there has got to be a damned good chance that at least 50% of them are in the Blair Administration or are serving as non-elected Poodle Charmers in the House of Lords. And that includes Baronness Asston in the Department of Constitutional Affairs."
A Prime Ministerial spokesman at No 10 Downing Street issued a terse reply and stated that Mr Blair's Official Consort Cherry Bush QC had already undergone the Detector test but had failed to give a representative sample of any veracity and had caused the complex wiring of the equipment to fuse, resulting in a total meltdown of the UK's National Grid.
Meanwhile a Foreign Office press official denied that ambassadors and diplomats in the United Kingdom would also need to undertake this rigorous examination, citing Geneva Convention Protocols that are unequivocal in permitting all manner of duplicitous filthy bastards to present Letters of Accreditation to the Court of St James. The qualifying coda that their countries have to make a seven figure dollar payment to the Blairs' offshore bank accounts in the British Virgin Islands (Ac 666 911 666 911, c/o Lord Levy's Manchester Trust) being a tiny detail in the small print of the contract.