Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Sex, Hospital

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

image for No sex in wards, please, we're British!
"Ooh doctor, you're so clever and handsome. Can we have sex afterwards in the operating theatre?"

Another iconic institution in Britain is about to be destroyed. Sex will no longer be allowed in hospitals.

For decades, sick patients have looked forward to being sent to hospitals, certain that they will have a good time thinking up double entendres, helping out bumbling first year medics being tested by a grumpy consultant, encouraging shy junior house officers get their leg over a buxom sunbathing nurse, avoiding the scary fat matron and jumping into the next bed and hoping the occupant is a member of the opposite sex.

One patient, Charlie Roper, said, "I have many fond memories of how they took out my spleen when I only went in for varicose veins. The nurse left the laughing gas on too long and we all ran round the wards in our underwear."

But now all that will end, thanks to the spoilsport policies of the Coalition Government, which puts saving money above titillating sick people. The news has been greeted with sporadic protests up and down the country, as some patients have sought to take over their hospital and even perform unnecessary surgery on disliked consultants.

Health Minister Dr Tinkle urged patients to stay in their beds. "When I get randy, I take a long cold shower", he said, "and I will recommend that all patients have cold showers every day from now on."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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