Sky Sports have announced a surprise signing for the new Premier League season - celebrated art critic Brian Sewell.
The plummy-voiced writer and broadcaster has been hired as a live summariser to replace Andy Gray following complaints from viewers about the Scotsman's constant growling at dramatic moments during matches.
"Our viewers certainly seem to have tired of Andy's Caledonian burr," said a spokesman for Sky Sports. "So we decided a softer, more genteel style was required.
"We cast around for a new summariser to commentate alongside Martin Tyler. The idea of Brian came to me when I was watching a repeat of the excellent "Brian Sewell's Grand Tour." I remembered that someone said he made the Queen sound common.
"And who better than an art critic to comment on the Beautiful Game?
"His patrician mien and love of the aesthetic are just what Sky Sports Premier League coverage needs to take it to the next level. But he will also bring an edginess to the commentary - if he thinks something's "f****** dreadful" he says so, as he did about Damien Hirst."
Other sources believe that the move is also intended to reflect the increasing willingness of sportsmen to "come out" and employ more gay people like Clare Balding in presentation. Sewell famously remarked that: "I never came out - but I have slowly emerged."
Viewers will know Mr Sewell from successful TV series "Brian Sewell's Grand Tour" and "The Naked Pilgrim." He has also contributed commentary for "Bad Lads' Army" providing insights into national service. He has been art critic at the London Evening Standard since 1984.
Mr Sewell was probably unavailable for comment. We think.