Written by Monochrome
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Topics: Death

Thursday, 21 April 2005

image for Howard Denies His Death is a Publicity Stunt
Not The First Corpse to Lead The Tories

Tory leader, Michael Howard denied that the announcement of his death is a desperate attempt to boost flagging popularity.

"I died, it happens." Said a smiling although pale looking Mr. Howard today. "It's not the first time the Conservative party, or indeed the country has been led by a corpse and I'm sure it won't be the last. It really isn't that difficult to stay out of the sunlight and sleep in a coffin filled with earth from the land where one was born. And I say this to you; who would you rather have in power? A discredited, dishonest Labour party or a vibrant, dynamic, radical and dead Conservative government?"

Prime Minister, Tony Blair was said by a spokesman to be, "Incandescent with rage." At what he sees as the Tory's "Jumping on the death bandwagon. The Catholic Church has gained tremendous publicity and sympathy from the recent death of the Pope and the Tories obviously see this as an opportunity to drum up a few extra votes."

The Conservatives' standing in the polls has remained static despite recent promises to; guarantee all pensioners immortality, reinstate the right for teachers to shoot noisy children and make the rich even richer to enable them to look after the poor.

Mr Howard said that he had not seen the latest opinion polls which have shown that the public would be more likely to vote for the party which was most "Vatican sympathetic."

Mr. Blair was unavailable to comment but Labour insiders have denied rumours that both he and Gordon Brown have taken holy orders despite eye witness reports that they were recently seen leaving Downing Street in nun's habits.

We spoke to Mr Charles Kennedy of the Liberal Democrats, who, sporting a new monk's tonsure hairstyle and wearing a priest's dog collar with his black suit, was visiting The Shrine of Our Lady of Walsingham. He commented, "I can't believe the depths to which the Tories and Labour are prepared to sink. The people of this country are fed up with this sort of thing. Do they really think that people decide who to vote for on such trivial matters? We at the Liberal Democrats offer a more honest, open approach to government. Pass me that incense burner please."

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