Written by Bill Licks
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Saturday, 14 August 2010

image for Sky issues Soccer Saturday fans an Ultimatum - Subscribe to Sky or Garth Crooks doesn't get it
Champagne Charlie Nicholas gets ready to pull the trigger

From August 23rd Sky will no longer be broadcasting their Sky Sports News channel on digital Freeview. This means that unless viewers subscribe to Sky they will no longer be able to enjoy the unmissable Soccer Saturday presented by the legendary Jeff Stelling.

To emphasise this fact, Sky have been running adverts on primetime commercial television and have come up with what they believe will be the perfect slogan to convince all football fans to sign up to Sky TV.

Subscribe to Sky or Garth Crooks doesn't get it.

Garth Crooks is the ex Spurs striker and current pundit who talks utter bollocks on the BBC's version of Soccer Saturday called Final Score. Sky believe that by keeping Crooks alive, thousands of soccer fans will be forced to pick up the phone and beg Sky to come to their houses and erect a satellite dish on the roof as soon as they can.

The slogan will be featured on billboards throughout the UK and will be accompanied by a masked assassin pointing a gun away from the pundits head towards a cute fluffy kitten.

A spokesman for the broadcaster said, 'At first we were going to go with the slogan 'Subscribe to Sky or the kitten gets it' but we knew we'd be inundated with complaints from animal lovers. So we decided to opt for 'Subscribe to Sky or Garth crooks doesn't get it' knowing that we'll be inundated with complaints from football fans begging us to put Crooks out of his misery.'

'And when they do phone up and complain, we'll make sure they take out a years subscription to our Sky Sports package if they don't already have one.'

Sky hope the advert will prompt at least 50,000 new subscribers to sign up to Sky by the end of the week.

If this target isn't reached then Sky will follow this advertising campaign with a similar billboard poster, but this time featuring a three word slogan that will guaranty every football fan in England taking up a Sky Sports subscription.

'Gaby Fucking Logan'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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