Written by Bertram Chapley
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Tuesday, 19 April 2005

image for Conservative Party - Only Two Attend
Tim Collins - Genesis Drummer ?

CONSERVATIVE PARTY HQ - Tory Party Leader Michael Howard has today released details of a new Identity Card Scheme which is being trialled in the lead up to the General Election. He hopes that the scheme proves to be a success as it is not to be adopted as Party Policy nor is it a response to the Call for National I D cards.

He is hoping the scheme will allow the British Public to know who the hell the Conservative Party is.

In a survey conducted in Luton 43,568 people were asked who the Shadow Secretary of State for Education was. Only one knew the answer and that was Tim Collins himself who happened to be in Luton on a photo call with his Boss Mr. Howard. Even he hesitated slightly.

Mr. Howard himself was asked three minutes earlier and he said he had no idea and he laughingly said could he ‘phone a friend' Then he said he was not able do that so could he take the 50 - 50 option.

The only member of the team to be recognised was Mr. Howard himself because he was a throwback from the last Conservative Government. He cannot have an I D card himself because his image does not show up on a camera.

Asked to name any member of the Shadow Cabinet 32,411 people in Nottingham suggested Ted Heath, Lord Tebbit and Richard Branson. When asked who was the Conservative Party leader 3.6% of people questioned correctly guessed Mr. Howard but only 14% of those correctly knew it was Michael. The rest thought it was either Frankie or Trevor.

39.4% thought that Mrs. Thatcher was still in charge and a worrying 87.7% of those thought she was still in number 10. The Conservatives Identity crisis is nearly as worrying for them as it is for the Liberal Democrats where most people surveyed said they had been waiting over 40 years for a replacement for Mr. Kennedy following the Grassy Knoll incident.

In other surveys 77.9% of people surveyed thought David Davis was a snooker player, 98.2% Theresa May was a saint and 99.4% thought John Redwood was a tree (99% said he was wooden 0.4% a type of tree.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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