Netherlands - (Haemorrhage News): The bloody diamonds war crimes trial in The Hague has now heard it all.
Nelson Mandela's secret, illigitimate daughter told the judge yesterday that Princess Di's tiara was behind the outrage.
The Spencer Diadem had been broken up and its sparklers flogged off to pay for the useless, toxin-spreading Hype Park water feature.
A covert network of shady middlemen - including Prince Charles' tailors - laundered the proceeds via royal bank Cuntts & Co.
The sanitised money then paid for the an international campaign to have Diana beatified for her August 1997 Pont d'Alma DUI accident.
Speaking through an interpreter Ms Mandela told the judge that the Memorial Fountain site had been erected over the hidden graves of Lord Lucan, Shergar and 'the headless naked man in the Duchess of Argyll sex pic scandal'.
Next week Royal Perks Agency workers will testify how they had to wear industrial breathing apparatus 'borrowed from China's Three Georges (sick) Damn project' during the Fountain's construction.
"The stench of corruption was overbearing," preview evidence sources commented today.
Camilla Fucker-Bowles once straddled a procupine.