Motoring organisations were up in arms today as a series of 40 foot billboards, featuring busty model Kelly Brook, naked save for a pair of trainers, sprang up around the country.
The billboards, depicting a naked Kelly Brook, recumbent, and smiling seductively as she luxuriates in her new trainers have been classed as a traffic hazard by the AA and the RAC and by Mayor Vernon Adcock, the first openly gay Mayor of Ryde, Isle of Wight, who told us:
"We'll be lodging a protest about this. A naked Kelly Brook, flashing her bits will be nought but a distraction for the horny old buggers who drive around Ryde. They'll be unable to tear their eyes away from the naked glistening 40 foot images of Kelly Brook and they'll all wind up bumping one another up the rear. There'll be traffic chaos. Even the gay drivers will slow down for a quick shufty - I know I would, her fingernails and teeth are simply to die for - and then they'll get shunted up the rear too. We simply cannot allow this to happen - people shunting one another up the rear - this isn't Brighton you know. At least not yet."
Mayor Adcock found an unlikely ally miles away up North in Councillor Burdock Rottingpizzle of Blackburn, Lancashire, who openly aired his support for Mayor Adcock's stance on the nude Kelly Brook 40 foot billboard issue, saying:
"Ah don't normally hold with soft Southern puffs. Can't abide 'em meself - but Adcock's got a point. There'll be people shunting one another up the rear end here in Blackburn too, and we can't be doing wi' that. Also, we've gorra lorra Muslims in my ward, and they're not used to seeing 40 foot posters of naked busty young wenches. They don't get that at home - I can see some of the older chaps keeling over with coronaries, as well as motorists shuntin' one another up the rear. Add all that lot together and you've got a recipe for disaster. Th' emergency services'll be run off their bloody feet."
Advertising executive, Marmaduke Bolivar quickly refuted the accusations, telling a Skoob News reporter:
"These bloody provincial oiks need to get a grip. It's a beautiful advertising campaign featuring a beautiful and alluring young lady, advertising a beautiful product. Of course it won't cause accidents or coronaries - these theories are patently absurd."
Shortly after making this statement, Marmaduke Bolivar was shunted up the rear by a Chelsea tractor. Perhaps ironically, on the approach to Chelsea Bridge.
More as we get it.