Since smoking was banned in England's prisons the incarcerated smokers have been looking for alternatives to tobacco which has been removed from prison shops.
Warders have been offering the nicotine addicted cons cigarettes in exchange for giving information about their fellow inmates but the Cons Code forbids this.
After finding out that prisoners have been smoking PG Tips instead of tobacco, Kenneth Clarke took the unusual step of banning all forms of Tea from English prisons. In a statement to Spoof News, Mr Clarke, Minister of (in)justice said that it wasn't just that they were smoking tea but were tearing pages out of prison Bibles, which are issued to every con, for cigarette papers - this only came to light when a prisoner was found in possession of a bible with the whole of Genesis and half of Exodus missing.
Prisoners desperate for a smoke have been using anything they can find. One prisoner smoked his whole mattress in just over a week and another had smoked half of his curtains before being caught.
At HMP Leeds a prisoner was seriously injured when a group of inmates mugged him for his bible - an item most cons wouldn't be seen dead with.
An inside source commented; "You should see their faces when they see us guards smoking and blowing the smoke in their faces when they can't have one. Makes our day. Better than tearing up their birthday cards or making them miss dental appointments."