Written by Simon Cole
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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

image for Flatulance Pays, says Nick Clegg
Green food

The Deputy Prime Minister has announced a new green initiative to capture methane gas, enabling the UK to comply with EU directives on clean air. Flatus Stations are to be built at strategic points such as outside Indian restaurants in all major cities. Customers plug in behind a screen and a meter records the amount of methane captured. This will automatically be credited against energy bills.

Inaugurating the first Flatus Station in Sheffield, Nick Clegg said that everyone should get plugged in for a greener UK. "Whether you eat beans or onions it does not matter. Flatulence-producing foods are typically high in polysaccharides," he said reading from an EU briefing paper. "These foods include beans, lentils, dairy products, onions, garlic, scallions, leeks, turnips, rutabagas, radishes, sweet potatoes, potatoes, cashews, and Jerusalem artichokes.

Brassicas, such as Brussels sprouts not only boost flatulence, but increase pungency. This is not a problem," he said, "as under Brussels legislation it will be filtered out."

Mr Clegg was driven away in a government Mini with a broad smile on his face.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said: "It always used to be said that the best way to get three Liberals to sit on the same three-legged stool was to turn it upside-down. But those days are behind us and we are sitting at the top table. Brown has gone, Liberals are green, and we use Flatus Stations.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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