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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

image for Isle Of Wight News - Sausage Factory Proposal Receives Tentative Approval
Sausage Sausage Burning Bright - You've Just Set My Lawn Alight

The Ryde Development Corporation, chaired by gay Mayor Vernon Adcock - resplendent in the traditional Mayoral ermine robes and crocodile-skin boots, with stovepipe hat and clutching a traditional Cumberland sausage, shallow fried - today granted tentative approval for the establishment of a sausage factory at Ryde.

Quipping good-naturedly that he was frequently referred to as "Sausage Boy" in his student days at Ryde Lingerie Design College, Mayor Adcock asserted that the establishment of a sausage factory at Ryde would not only help alleviate the town's unemployment problems, but would also provide a much needed fillip to the island's gay community.

The proposal, by mainland sausage factory baron Enrico Chippolata, encompassed the development of a 40,000 sq ft production facility which will provide immediate employment for 90 workers, with a view to a further 450 jobs over a three year roll-out period.

"The future is in sausages," Chippolata told our reporter. "And we'll do 'em all. Pork, pork and apple, beef, pork and beef, Frankfurters, Bratwurst, Bockwurst, Chorizo, salami, pork and pepper, black pudding, white pudding, pink pudding, Cumberland, Lincs, pork and ham, ham and pork, beef and onion, beef and onion with garlic, pork and port wine, botifarra, pork with pig, quorn, quorn with pork, quorn with pork and beef, beef and pork with garlic, apple and quorn, ostrich with garlic, seagull with minced pork, Bratwurst with pepperoni, black pudding with custard clots, and our brand new pork and mushy peas sausage. The possibilities are endless. As are the opportunities for the island - if they take this on board..."

One dissenting voice came from Ryde councillor Eddie Fulbutt, the legendary veteran homophobic councillor for Old Ryde South Central, who told us:

"I have no beef about sausages per-se. It's just that when Chippolata showed up with his long haired friends wearing frilly shirts, skin-tight trousers and way too much bling, I had to ask myself if this proposal related to employment and sausage manufacture, or just some kind of outlandish gay statement of intent for the island. All I'm saying is that we don't want to end up like Brighton - that would create havoc in the caravan and camping holiday market, and we really can't afford for that to happen because of some publicity seeking sausagist."

"Eddie Fulbutt needs to take some poppers and relax his sphinctre," said Mayor Adcock. "He's just in denial."

Councillor Fulbutt ridiculed the Mayor's claim by saying that he hadn't even been to Africa, let alone in the Nile. Insisting that the gay Mayor's focus was unnaturally centred on sausages at the expense of reality.

Local kebab shop proprietor, Ali Bullo, told our reporter:

"I dunno. This no make sense to me. Me no understand this gay/sausage thing. It make no sense at all."

Proposals are not only ongoing, but way beyond this humble reporter's comprehension.

More as we put it all together.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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