Written by Bertram Chapley
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Topics: Labour, Army

Monday, 18 April 2005

ROYAL AIR FORCE PRIVATISATION PLANS - Should New Labour win the forthcoming General Election they plan on privatising the RAF and the possible sub-contracting the Army to Group 4 has been discussed . This would leave only the Royal Navy in state control but even this is muted to have been offered to P and O Ferries.

EasyJet and Ryanair are both expressing an interest in the force and should there be an opportunity then both will submit bids.

"The RAF has several routes that we would be interested in" said an EasyJet spokesman. "They operate from more bases than we do at present and have a second to none International arm."

"Their fleet is a somewhat dated bunch of planes, DC3 Dakotas and converted Lancasters will have to be replaced. The Wellington and the Canberra will also have a limited life in a modern Commercial environment" he added.

However Ryanair spokesman Riley O'Really says that the present fleet will integrate perfectly into his company's present fleet. "We operate similar aircraft at present so the added expense of going down the High Street to the Boeing shop will not happen with us. We shall only need to give them a lick of paint and a quick Hoovering inside."

The plans will also mean that the present RAF management team will have to be integrated into the successful bidders Board of Directors, Air Marshall ‘Bomber' Harris is thrilled by the prospect.

"I will carry through my carpet bombing policy with the new owners" he said "But we will concentrate this onto German occupied sunbeds in the Spanish Costas"

New Labour spokesman Jim Jimminy says the measures will save the taxpayer £43bn over the next 350 years, money that is better spent on invading oil rich countries and enhancing the ignoring of troubled countries with no oil. The sale of the Armed Forces will also allow the Government to adopt a Slopey Shoulder policy when something goes wrong in collateral damage situations with a ‘It wasn't me Guv, it was him' answer to all such situations - a measure that would deflect any compensation claims and put the burden on the private company's insurance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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