Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 31 July 2010

image for Paul Boil: Competitive Eater R.I.P
Eat, eat, eat.....

In the world of competitive eating, only one name stands above all others, Paul Boil.

The 29 year old bricklayer from Stafford has won more competitions in his five year career than any other eater competitor on the scene.

Crowned a heady four times for most hotdogs eaten, his record standing at 62 and 1/2 in 11 minutes, fastest to finish a bowl of spaghetti in 1 minute 10 seconds and who can forget the 9.2 pounds of Tempura deep fried asparagus spears in six minutes?

Paul also holds first, second, third and fourth place for most baked beans eaten in one hour, his best is an astounding 16.8 pounds of the demon orange gas capsules! And all this from a man who weighed 12 stone.

But this weekend saw Paul taking on a challenge that even his eyes bulged at, for he was to attempt the daddy of them all, most peanuts eaten in a minute.

Now most of you will be thinking peanuts? Come on, this man has eaten the equivalent of a whole cow in one sitting, at Grotty Barry's Cafe steak night challenge! He's eaten more oysters than we could possibly cook in our homes, in under two minutes! How hard is it to crunch a few peanuts?

Well not too hard, but did you know the 'few' are actually 12.2 pounds of the salty buggers! In a minute!

Oh, and did we mention that Paul was highly allergic to peanuts? Yes we said allergic!

Doctor Sidney Fisk, head allergen expert at the Royal Hospital For The Sick And Dying, told us before the event, "This man is stupid, he deserves everything he gets, I know I'm supposed to show compassion, but this man is an idiot!"

"It's like a man with no arms attempting to swim the channel!" he continued. "Mr Boil risks severe illness, probably fatal, his tongue will swell to the size of a house brick and will no doubt block his wind-pipe causing suffocation," he graphically explained.

The warnings did not deter Paul though, "I'm doing it, damn the consequences, I am the champion of eating! I have overcome other challenges that people have said were 'impossible', I'm the man!"

Well, all things were set, two other challengers had failed before Paul approached the table. As he stepped up and took his position at the eating station, you could have heard a pin drop in the hall.

The buzzer sounded, signalling the start, and Paul duly popped the first nut in his mouth, then the second. He chewed and swallowed fast. The bead of sweat on his brow seemed to linger forever, reflecting the hall in all it's glistening brilliance. Still silence.

He popped the third nut in. Instantly something was wrong. His eyes took on a widened expression. He looked panicked. He stepped back from the table, knocking the bowl of peanuts to floor, as he went.

There was a muted spluttering coming from the back of Paul's throat. He motioned rapidly with his finger, pointing to his neck. Yes, he was definitely choking.

In a strange twist of fate and by a million to one chance, Paul Boil had survived his peanut allergy, an illness he had lived in fear of since childhood, long enough to suck a peanut 'down the wrong pipe' and choke himself to death.

The crowd gave a standing ovation to mark Paul's bravery in overcoming his fears as the great man slowly, but surely, choked to death in front of them.

Although he failed in his challenge (technically he was disqualified, because he knocked the bowl on the floor), he did win a title of sorts. Least amount of peanuts eaten in a minute during a competition. So it was not all bad.

Except for his family, who our thoughts are with at this time, of course.

God bless you Paul, I hope there's good eatin' up there!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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