Written by Herr Riballs
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Saturday, 31 July 2010

Ex Oasis frontman, Liam Gallagher, has laughed off rumours that the band are set to reunite, in a move that is sure to cause a huge sigh of relief to music fans everywhere.

Dick

The Mancunian Gobshite told NME reporter Alan Wilder "These fu*kin' rumours won't go away. Our kid's a d*ck. A proppa c*ck. I fu*kin told 'im I wouldn't go back til the tw*t learned to play a fourth chord. 'E 'asn't so he can get fu*ked. I did my bit, learnin' tambourine. It's up to 'im now.
It's twistin' me melon man" he added.

Bell end

Ex New Order bassist Peter Hook admitted he was relieved to hear that Gallagher wouldn't be rejoining Oasis. He said "Thank fu*k for that. He's a bell end. Nobody in Manchester talks like he does. And that fu*kin' swagger. What's that all about ?"

Boon

Clint Boon, of the Inspiral Carpets said "That whole Madchester thing was great 20 years ago but not now. I p*ssed my sides when I heard the Mafia knocked his Newtons* out in that bar." Boon added "He puts on this hard Manc image then goes and gets his a*se kicked. The silly tw*t."

Prick

Meanwhile Liam's brother Noel said:

"It's just typical of that pr*ck bad mouthin' me. Our kid's just jealous cos I write all the songs 'n sh*t. And I don't sing our gear with that fu*kin' awful whiny Manc voice. I wouldn't care, we're not even from Manchester. We were born in Walton on the Naze." he went on.

Noel continued "As for the guitar thing he can go and fu*k 'imself. I've been practising with Volume Two of Bert Weedon's 'Beatles For Guitar.' I'm writin' new stuff that includes four chords, he sniffed.


* Newtons refers to the Greater Manchester suburb of Newton Heath. The word has become a popular rhyming slang term for 'teeth.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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