Written by Bertram Chapley
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Topics: Scotland, Emergency

Saturday, 6 August 2005

image for Scotland Adrift - Full Emergency
Gone - Highlands, Lowlands - the Lot

EDINBURGH - Emergency services have been put on full alert as news is breaking that Scotland has broken away from it's moorings and is adrift somewhere in the North Sea.

Satellite pictures similar to above have spotted the country some 200 miles North West of Berwick on Tweed but the land mass may be taking in water as it is listing to Port. What was thought to be an oil slick was also spotted close to the coast of Norway but samples have shown it is in fact Irn Bru which has worried observers.

The incident is said to have happened overnight as several distress flairs were seen in the general direction of it's usual location but no radio distress signal was sent. A woman out walking her dog made the discovery and telephoned the police when she returned home.

No news has been received about the safety of her 2.6 million crew and passengers and the RAF have scrambled two Nimrods, five Sea Kings and a dozen Barn Fresh Eggs.

The news comes two weeks after the country passed an inspection following a three year re-fit on the Goven Ship Yard in Glasgow which unfortunately has gone off with the rest of the country. Trials went well and the yard was congratulated on the project it being under budget and on time. Govan was in the running to carry out a refit of Malta but was pipped at the post by the French.

Several Scots residents are stranded in England and are being comforted by volunteers from the Women's Institute who have provided hot food and blankets as well as entertaining them with Bagpipes and Jigs. One resident Jim McTavish counts himself lucky and said that he had planned on going home the day before but his car broke down near Pendle on the M6.

Thirteen years ago Portugal slipped it's moorings and drifted into the Atlantic and was not found for three days. It was later towed back into position and Super Glued back onto Spain.

Worried relatives and friends can call 01226 696987 and ask for Betty who whilst she cannot help tells a damn good yarn about the old days.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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