David Cameron has cursed the previous Labour government for mounting a winning bid for the 2012 Olympics. With his government attempting to slash spending by six billion pounds by the end of 2011, the Olympics has come at the wrong time, with a two billion pound price tag.
"When we were budgeting," said George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, "we completely forgot about the Olympics. Believe it or not, it was Boris Johnson who reminded us."
In an attempt to balance the books, the Olympics will be the most cost effective since the last time Britain hosted it, just after the second world war.
"It seems a tad unfair," said Osborne. "Every time we get the Olympics the country has no bloody money!"
There is nothing that the ConDems can do about the Olympic stadium, which is well under way, but other venues and the Olympic village are yet to be started, and it is here that Osborne plans to make savings.
"All the swimming events are to be held in Chiswick swimming baths. It's quite big, almost Olympic sized in fact. We were hoping to exclude public swimming on days when we would be racing, but the pool have said the best they can do is to cordon off half the pool for our use, and that will have to do."
There will be no Olympic village either, with Londoners being ask to remember the Dunkirk spirit and put up Olympic athletes for the duration of the event. These will now be allocated on a lottery basis, after the Russian women's gymnastic team was oversubscribed.