Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Health, Alcohol

Thursday, 29 July 2010

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The British Medical Association has finally admitted that drinking alcohol is,  after all, beneficial to health.

As millions of drinkers raise a glass to toast the good news it emerged that the painful condition of rheumatoid arthritis can be helped and even cured by enjoying a daily tipple.


In a ground breaking test case, a group of arthritis sufferers were put on special diets to gauge the effects on their pain levels. Group A ate normal, healthy food and drank water. Group B didn't eat anything and could only drink alcohol.

The results have astounded health gurus. Group A died three hours into the trial but Group B continue to remain well with reports of feeling no pain.


Health Minister, Arthur Righteous, said "It appears that the scaremongering tactics we have employed over the last fifteen years have been wrong.

Traditional abstinence clearly hasn't worked so the message we need to send out is that people need to drink as much as they can from morning to night. Skol Lager and Babycham would be a good starting point for novices" he added.

Group B subject Rumer Toyd, originally from Finland, said "Drinking alcohol in Helsinki is impossible as it is so expensive. That's why I moved to the UK. Before I came here I was in so much pain I could only blink one eyelash. Gordon's Gin and Theakstons Old Peculiar has saved my life. I'm like a new man now" he said happily.

Wheelchair bound, Emma Royd, has only been binge drinking for two days but is getting stronger by the minute. She said "Watch this" as she lifted a pint of Vodka to her mouth. "I couldn't do that two days ago. It's early days yet but I reckon I'll be able to consume three litres of Vodka a day soon. The future looks good" she continued.


As well as the direct benefits of increased alcohol consumption, experts have argued that drink related activities can also act as a catalyst to eradicating diseases. The grease found in a large doner and chips at the end of a drinking session, for example, has been found to ease painful arthritic joints.

Furthermore, sources argue that vomiting and urinating in the street disperses 'bad' fats and harmful free radicals.

Fitness instructor, Colin Treadmill, said "Drink as much alcohol as you can, even when driving or operating heavy machinery. Fat burning increases whilst doing such activities." Colin added "On a night out, try drinking from 2 in the afternoon, eat fatty food and let is settle for a few hours. Finish the night off by looking for a fight, preferably with a group of 2 or more. Fighting is a great aerobic workout and will loosen stiff joints" he argued.


Following the study, it has emerged that a case of 24 Stella will be available free on prescription from January. Severe cases will also receive a free bag of marijuana to further alleviate symptoms.

The offer will only apply to Scotland and Wales, however. Revellers in England will still have to fund their own medication as they do with everything else.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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