Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 29 July 2010

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Dracula, the hoody years.

The big daddy of vampires (no not Robert Pattinson), we're talking about Count Dracula, has sensationally revealed today that he is actually afraid of the dark.

Jeremy Vine was interviewing the Transylvanian transfusionist about his upcoming book, Dracula: A Life Without Limits, which reveals several facts about his past, when the centuries old vampire broke down.

"I just can't take it Jem," he sobbed, "imagine every waking second of your life is spent in fear! Every bump and bang sends you into a panic!"

"I can't even take my mind off of it with TV, 'cause there's nothing on at night worth watching," he continued, "it's a nightmare, a real life living-dead nightmare!"

Dracula admitted that even though he was unable to go out during the day, the risk he took was worth it to start doing daytime interviews like the one today.

"I suffer real risk to my person by coming here today, in daylight," he said, "but as long as I cover up, I should be OK, and I'll certainly take that chance, the dark is like a prison cell to me, it's full of fear and the unknown."

The book, due for release next thursday, also deals with Dracula's volatile relationship with his father, his period of excessive drinking and the short-term love he found in the arms of Colin, a bearded lady in Saskatchewan.

Dracula: A life Without Limits is £12.99 and released through Bloodsbury Publishing.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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