Westminster: London 27th July 1066 - As if further proof were even needed that the existing UK Coalition Government are more manic that a coach load of blind lesbians in a fish market, today's announcement by the Home Secretary, Teresa May finally proves it!
The Home Secretary has announced that thousands of ordinary 'Britons'...and here we use the term very loosely indeed....will be asked to join Police on the beat in the biggest shake-up of the nation's Policing since 'Sir Robert Peel and the Bow Street Runners' made it to number one in the USA country charts with; "Mama, Get The Hammer There's A Fly On Granpaws Head!"!!
None will receive any sort of payment other than a free uniform and existing Police perks but all will be proud to be known as 'Special Kuntstables' and legally roam around the streets at all hours.
The idea all started when Theresa, or 'Two pint Tess' as her pub mates call her, was doing the weekly shop at her local up market LIDL supermarket. Having bent over to reach a lower shelf, in order to peruse some Ultra Super Strength Pantie liners, she was somewhat confused as all the information was printed in German!
Being totally unaware that she was flashing her thong at nearby checkout operator, Jalfrezi 'jizz' Patel (until she heard him panting heavily), Theresa was obliged to seek his help. "Do these work well young man?" she enquired of a bent double Jalfrezi, who was frantically trying to hide his sudden magnificent erection, "Oh, yes please memsahib, I am wearing them always on account of my Curry problem and the terrible stains I am forever leaving in my kecks!. Also memsahib, we are having a 'special' this week, buy one, and get two free!" The word 'free' and 'special' suddenly clicked within Tess' small, but partially animated brain.
Earlier that same day she had been obliged attended yet another one of David Cameroon's 'Big Society' project lectures which, as usual, had bored the pants off of her. This in turn had seen her emitting a rather strong and somewhat eye watering crotch odour which had literally caused most of the other attending ministers to drift slowly into various soporific states! Realising that she could curry big favour with Dave if she could devise a way to cut any and all financial corners (at any cost) she vowed to work on it quickly.
After paying for her groceries and putting in her till receipt as a Government work-related expense, Tess rushed home, grabbed a copy of the 'Police Federation Weekly' magazine and hurried upstairs for a long overdue dump and a good read.
Three hours later she had cracked it-she would have the plumbers round to fix the pan tomorrow-and hastily switched on her laptop in order to write up her new ideas and proposals. "This will blow Dave and Nick away" she thought to herself, "always assuming that little bitch Caroline Spelman .has not already blown them both in my absence!....'FREE, SPECIAL, POLICING' it will save a feckin' fortune and earn me mega Brownie points for the next cabinet shuffle!"
She hastily compiled her list of proposals as follows:
In view of the Governments intention to sack better part of one third of the existing UK Police Force it would seem to me that we should go one further and get rid of all of them, most are surplus to bloody requirements and useless at crime fighting anyway! Ditto all those grossly overweight male/female and bimbo-babe 'cardboard coppers' that 'blind Bart' Blunkett initiated, at taxpayers expense, when he was Home Secretary
Therefore, I herewith invite you to peruse my list of recommendations sooner, rather than later in order that we can enjoy a long weekend break together, give me a ring later and we can talk dirty to each other!,
In no particular order my proposals are as follows:
1. I suggest that we start by recruiting upward of 50,000 citizens from all walks of life with total disregard to past criminal activities, sexual perversions, disability, ethnic persuasion, sexual orientations, education (or lack of) or indeed ongoing health problems. We should also consider those who are mentally challenged as they would blend in well with the feral youths and Chavs blighting our lives and also offer them a break from crayoning all day in some run down care home. The elderly should not be excluded either, age is not a disease and I am sure there are many fine semi-conscious 89 year olds in the community who would willingly kick the living shit out of any criminal or snot nosed yob if given the opportunity........or so Sir Michael Caine tells me?
2. CRB checks will be done away with as they are far too feckin' costly and a total and utter waste of time as they can be easily forged, as indeed they are by most people holding existing positions of power such as ourselves.
3. Bring in Kok Wank on the cheap to design a low cost and cheerful uniform, one size to fit all, possibly along the lines of the old Chink Revolutionary Party two-pieces, complete with matching underwear and a dozen cleaning tokens maximum.
4. Initially, weekly hours to commence at 16 total, with 'possible' room for non-paid overtime for the more zealous recruits such as, closet vigilantes, paedophiles, rapists, flashers and other sexual deviants who will probably want to stay in uniform a bit longer in order to gain bogus entry into the homes of the more vulnerable members of society.
5. Needless to say, existing Police perks will be left intact. Therefore, new recruits can expect a minimum of 26 weeks annual leave after two weeks service, unlimited sick and job related stress pay (at full rate), access to any and all confiscated drugs, money, booze plus free entry into any dubious massage parlour 24/7. Umpteen free beverage breaks and a season ticket for Gregg's the Bakers. Furthermore, the 'unwritten perks' currently enjoyed by the existing coppers, such as shaggin' any nubile wench they pull over for a misdemeanour, or at very least, getting a blowjob for a caution, knocking off each others wives when on opposing shifts, use of the Police car for 'dogging sessions' etc,will of course, remain in force... no pun intended!!
6.I am mindful that certain ethnic members of the community may be wary of our intentions, with this in mind I offer up the following in order to maintain the pretence of racial harmony. I propose that Special Kunstanbles hold regular 'beat meetings' in Supermarkets and old people's homes which would offer the bro's a chance to groove up a beat and get overly jiggy with it to everyone's delight. This way people would instantly realise that not all 'off-white' people are bad people...only Osama Bin Laden and of course, that feckin' wanker Fabio Capello!!
7. Social networking sites are also not to be overlooked and to this event I have already contacted both Facebook and Bebo who are both all of a Twitter over the idea of the specials interacting with each other the length and breath of the country and beyond infinity. I am even considering organising a purpose build site to be tentatively known as, 'Felons Reunited' as I think the Specials would love this.
8. Having done the math, it is obvious that any and all existing Police Personnel who choose to either take early retirement, or are destined to be booted off the force, have two clear choices here.
I have it on good authority (I actually 'have it' every night, but more on that later) that 99% of those Police officers over the age of 40 years of age have had a total and utter gutful of the job anyway! Many are ready to emigrate to warmer climes such as the Costa Del Sol and South America in order to spend their various monetary backhanders which have accumulated nicely in Swiss Accounts over the years, and others are choosing to go further afield, to such havens as, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the USA where real Policing is still carried out!!
Obviously, those who wish to remain in service can then re-apply as Specials Kuntstables so they won't really miss out on much, except a regular salary.
9.Lastly, as you will have noted, my initial estimate of 50,000 Specials could gradually be increased year by year as more and more 'recruits' arrive from overseas on, or under lorry's via Dover Dave. Just think of the impact this will have in lowering the projected unemployment rate, not forgetting it will be a sure fire winner with the electorate.
Within seconds of faxing her proposal to David Cameron he had been blown away (as had Nick Clegg) both of whom were in the process of helping Caroline Spelman off her knee's and thanking her for services rendered as the fax came through.
"Your turn to read it Nick" said Dave, "after all, you are playing PM today so it's only fair you get first read". Having perused Teresa's proposals Nick felt quite dizzy and fell to the floor hitting his head on an empty bottle of Dom Perignon Rose!
Quickly grabbing the fax, Dave was ecstatic of its contents and began hobbling around the room with his trousers round his ankles singing Teresa's praises. Immediately faxing her back with his approval he also arranged that they should meet later for a celebratory piss-up before making the official announcement to the press.
First reactions to the announced proposals appear to be more than favourable to say the least, with the Muslim community spokesman Muhammad a'Rama-Dam-a Abdabs stating;" Praise Allah, Praise Teresa, at last we can introduce true Sharia law to GB. We have already selected a suitable site for all future public stoning's, the Olympic wasteland at Stratford here there are indeed many fine rocks which we can move about! Meanwhile, the HM Government 'Specials' Hotline in Bangladesh has gone into meltdown mode due to the entire 'Paul Kersey: Death Wish' fan club (UK Chapter) rushing to sign up in readiness to rid the streets of any and all undesirables, including Traffic Wardens!
More on this revolutionary Government Policy as it happens.
Kay Burley has cancelled her dirty weekend in Blackpool with Eamonn Holmes and was last seen rushing to Primark to buy a new outfit!