LONDON - An exuberant Charles Kennedy has announced that his party has won the 2005 General Election without a vote being cast. The leaders of the two main parties, New Labour and Old Conservative, have allegedly called him in the night and said that they cannot beat Charles and have conceded.
He is apparently awaiting faxed confirmation from the defeated Tony Brown that he can collect the keys for number 10 from the Westminster branch of the Halifax. Tory party leader Gloria Howard has told Charles he will retire from politics and concentrate on his Organic Sausage growing.
Liberal Democrat chairman Ming (pronounced Ming) Campbell was still in bed when we called him and told our reporter to grow up. However we did manage a short interview with Mr. Kennedy himself.
"It was brilliant………." said an excited Charles. "I was on a big silver horse battling with some Viking intruders when my mobile phone rang. It was Mrs. Elizabeth Queen congratulating me on my victory. I slayed a couple more warriors and asked her if I could ring her back."
"Then I suddenly found myself in bed next to my wife and it was dark. I can only think that the news had excited me so much that I could not remember coming home from the battle. I went straight to my mobile phone but could not find Mrs. Queens number."
As of yet 93 year old Mr. Kennedy has not contacted any of his closest allies to inform them that they are to prepare for government. "This is not a problem" he says "I can prepare my team in 45 minutes" which confirms what British Intelligence had been warning the previous government about.
His election manifesto included several key policies, no tax for pensioners, free water / gas / electricity for pensioners, free air travel for pensioners, free money for pensioners and making Eastbourne a tax free haven but denied going for the Grey vote.
"Our policies effect all ages" he rebuffed " Like free pencil top erasers for all primary school children"
We also managed to contact his predecessor Mr. Paddy Pantsdown who in a fit of jealousy suggested that Mr. Kennedy had "been sniffing the barmaids apron"