It has been announced that Top Tory David Davis may find his job on the line after shooting his mouth off in a local pub!
Seemingly it all started a few weeks ago when Dave was walking his faithful Rottweiler, Butch, on Hampstead Heath. Finding himself in dire need of a slash Dave dived into the local toilets to relieve himself; having barely exposed his todger to the elements he heard frantic groaning and moaning coming from one of the toilet cubicles. Fearing it might be George Michael and a 'friend' Mr Davis hurriedly emptied his bladder-not before dribbling down his Levis-but caught his todger in the zip! As he screamed in pain there was a noticeable silence from the toilet cubicle as he swiftly limped outside wrestling with the broken zipper.
Curiosity getting the better of him and with the possibility of getting George Michaels autograph, Dave decided to hide in the bushes and see 'who' exactly came out of the bogs?
Backing into the nearby bushes with Butch by his side, Dave accidentally interrupted two New Labour Ministers giving nether region resuscitation to each other. Declining their kind offer of a 'coalition' Dave moved to an adjoining clump of bushes and got on his knees.
Unfortunately, Butch seized the moment, and immediately mounted his master while sporting an incredible stiffy, whereupon Dave had to wrestle the loved up canine into submission before continuing his spying activity.
What happened next was to freeze his very marrow and send him into a state of shock! Two men exited the toilets arm in arm, each adjusting the others clothing and smiling contentedly. As they turned, Dave was amazed to note that it was none other than, David 'Tex' Cameron and Nick 'Hank' Clegg, the 'Coalition Kids'. As they hugged and kissed each other goodbye Dave made a hasty retreat before he was spotted, tearing his sleeve on a twig in the process. Attempting to regain his posture Dave noted that his jeans were muddy, his loafers scuffed, his torn shirt hanging out and zipper half open, in short he blended in well with the Hampstead set.
Being in dire need of a bevvy or two to calm his shattered nerves he immediately sought shelter in a local hostelry, "The Hampstead Goose" where he immediately ordered a 'stiff one', much to the amusement of Guy, the camp barman who advised him to; "stick around big boy you will not be disappointed!"
Nine doubles later Dave was feeling far more relaxed and calm and able to better anaylyze what he had seen.He had to conclude that the numerous rumours regarding the so-called 'love affair' between the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats was far more than a passing phase, more a lifelong affair. After all, it had become increasinly noticeable that every time David Cameron visited the Parliamentary toilets Nick Clegg was always right behind him, literally and metaphorically!
Both leaders had always feined 'Delhi belly' when questions were raised about their frequent toilet breaks, but now it was all coming out it seems.
Downing yet another double Dave decided to give the locals a thrill and immediately ordered 'drinks all round', this, as they say, was his downfall...as he related the earlier incident to the eager patrons little did George realised that one, a Sidney Snikes, was an off-duty reporter for the "News Of The Screws"..the rest, as they say is history. As the story broke nationwide David Davis found himself summarily ordered to appear before an outraged David Cameron, ably backed up by an equally outraged Nick Clegg who was seen bringing up the rear and carrying a Polaroid camera!
At time of going to press we are not sure what fate awaits Mr Davis but an insider tells us that he may well feel the full force of both leaders wrath!
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