It reads like one of those crappy Tales of the Unexpected telly shows but the frightening sight of a man being murdered in cold blood by an arse happened this very day on the downtown streets of the village of Shallow, Leeds.
A local man out walking his imaginary dog spotted something pink and hairy lurking in the bushes. As he approached it dashed off, parping loudly.
"It smelled funny", said the man, "like it had the bum's rush"
He notified the police and, upon their return to the scene, they discovered local fisherman Harry Eels slumped lifelessly.
He was dead.
Police are trying to track down an escaped arse from a mental institution who had been writing threatening letters to The Daily Mail - but this may not be the culprit because there are an awful lot of arse's that write letters to The Daily Mail.
"There are many arse's in the naked village", said PC Plod, "and any one of them could be the culprit".
Samples are being taken from the arse of every large adult in the village for testing against an arse-print found at the scene.
"The arse was a fat one - at least the size of Vanessa Feltz. Its dirty work...and sticky", a policeman disclosed.