Labour Party HQ: The Right Honourable Member for Washington DC Tony Blair has launched Labour's election manifesto guaranteeing a "radical acceleration of the changes" made by New Labour since they crawled out from under their stone an unmemorable eight years ago
Unveiling his programme for despotic power at London's Mermaid Theatre he said: "I believe this country is better, stronger and fairer than the country we inherited from the scumbag Conservatives in 1997. But we can do so much more."
"This manifesto is quintessentially Me. At its core is the traditional value that the many should stand up for Me and no-one else, putting up barriers that hold people back, allowing Me to fulfil my lifelong dream."
"It's also set firmly in Stone Age reality in a fast-changing world. Opportunity and security for Me in a world of change - that is My purpose."
Flanked by his backing band The Tonettes, he said there was a "big vision" behind the 112-page document.
"It is that I, not anyone else, should get the chance to succeed and make the best of the talent I have.
"Every line in this manifesto and the driving mission behind it is to support and help hard-working Me to cope and prosper inordinately in the face of the stresses and strains and struggles of everyone elses insignificant humdrum little lives."
"My interests come first. My priorities are the only priorities that will count."
"I will never return to the past," he promised.
The manifesto says loads of stuff about Political things but "In the interests of the future stability of this country and all my loyal subjects I have decided to reform the Governance of this realm and as from now I declare my self King Emperor and Lord of all That Breathes The Air That is Expelled from My Bottom" said newly crowned KT, as he is to be affectionately known.
Former Queen Elizabeth II has accepted this move in the gracious spirt typical of her Anus Horribilis. Speaking from her prison cell awaiting execution at dawn she said "After the disgrace of seeing my son & heir marry that trollope and the undignified manner in which he brushes his hair to cover his baldy bit, it is with a degree of relief that my husband and I will meet our fates".
King Tony has now dissolved Parliament, had his Papist, shoe fetishist wife executed, installed renowned samba dancer and bestest friend, Peter Mandelson, crowned as Queen Consorting in Public Lavatories and speaking this evening from his Throne told us "Will you shut the door, I'm having a crap - I may be some time."
Long Live The King.