Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Friday, 23 July 2010

image for Shoplifting Bonanza!
Mrs Ripitorf looking forward to doing the family shopping.

In a far sighted and highly progressive move Humberside Police have been prioritising their daily workload in order to give staff longer tea and lunch breaks and to minimise the time wasted on actually trying to catch criminals, all of which costs money.

Part of the saving pertains to shoplifting and shoplifters, in future unless the theft amounts to more than £19.99 - including VAT police will no longer respond to any emergency calls. Thus, during the past two weeks they have totally disregarded the numerous phone calls received from Tesco, Sainsburys, Morrisons and even the Co-op regardng the sudden increase in shoplifting.

A spokesperson for the Federation of Shopkeepers, Umbongo Delarue Kachewayo, told this reporter:

"De situation it become serious man de shop shelves dey being emptied faster den a herd of wilderbeast in full flight across de Serengeti. It not jest de supermarkets dat being robbed, all de retailers are being hit by a massive surge in de thieving!"

Humberside Police Chief, Cynthia 'get em' orf yer nicked' Crutchpiece, 49, vehemently denied that the Police were ignoring these endless calls

"I personally sent out the information packs to all local businesses weeks ago informing them not to waste our bloody time by keep phoning" said Cynthia, "besides which, they should be more feckin' vigilant and keep a baseball bat under the counter! I simply refuse to waste our feckin' limited resources chasing a few feckin' thieving nickel and dime bastards, end of story! If these business people had bothered to read the feckin' brochure they would have noted my advice regarding the keeping of a 'daily log book' to record every theft and the actual amount. Then, every fortnight I have arranged for a couple of overweight, overpaid,thick as two planks, utterly useless Community Police Officers to visit each shop and check the respective log books. This will not only give them something to do but will look good on my CV as positive action taken!"

Serial Romanian shoplifter, Mikhail Ripitorf viewed the new initiative with mixed feelings:

"Is good for my health yes, before I was filling oversized coat with many good things until I hardly walk upright due to litre bottle Vodka sticking out from jacksee, but often, how you say, 'rumbled' at door and end up on community service. Now we can do multiple family robbing, I bring my 12 kids, my wife, her Grandparents and my six cousins.

"We have big shopping list we divide between us, top limit £19.99 each and we walk out of shop no fear of being caught. Downside always, I will miss my many good comrades on the community service, we had many good times reminisce about old country and drink tea, very sad will miss"

Dixon Of Dock Green is 187 years old!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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