Britain's last surviving coalminer, stunning Emma Czikai, has today announced plans to sue Simon Cowell for £30m lost earnings due to her failing to pass a recent Britain's Got Talent audition.
Despite Czikai having the looks, voice and personality to go with it, heartless Cowell agreed with the audience that she was absolutely crap. Czikai has argued through her lawyer Max Clifford that under the Human Rights Act anyone looking like an pig with an attitude to match should have been given a chance.
If the case is won, Czikai will be able to boost her fortune up top the £50m mark as she has since landed the part of Octopus Paul in the forthcoming Michael Winner produced biopic Tentacles Shmentacles alongside Lady Gaga who plays a shoal of fish.
Clifford was indignant that the world owed his client a living. Furthermore, speaking through a specially designed mask to enable facial movement, Amanda Holden agreed that maybe the panel was too harsh. In the meantime, Czikai has been flown to Sea World Florida to join Gaga in rehearsals and Octopus Paul is unavailable for comment as he recently formed an integral part of Mr Winner's lunch.