Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Fat, Eamonn Holmes

Monday, 19 July 2010

TV heavyweight Eamonn Homes has launched a scathing attack on unfunny impressionist Jon Cortshort after a televised show in which Cortshort appeared to mock the overweight presenter.

In a series of sketches Cortshort, who uncannily has the same voice for every impression he does, implied that Homes was the equivalent of a human hoover, gobbling up food at will and going through buffets like a whirling dervish.

In one sickening scene telly tubby "Homes" was shown devouring the heart of Denise the Agony Aunt from ITV's This Morning; in another he was shown eating celebrity doctor Hilary Joans, stopping only momentarily to remove parts of his stethoscope from his teeth.

A tearful Homes said "What kind of message does that send out to my 4 kids ? They look at their wee daddy now and don't see a popular daytime TV presenter. They see a sadistic cannibal, gorging on the body parts of much loved colleagues. So they do" he added. "I love my food as much as the next man, so I do, but I've never wanted to eat a human being. Not a full one anyway. And certainly not Denise. Have you seen the size of that poor woman?" he said.

Fellow fatty James Cordun agrees "Eamonn isn't fat. He's just big boned. Cuddly even. Besides, everyone loves a tubster. In fact I've made a career out of getting my wobbly bits out. I wouldn't be where I am now if I didn't have a bit of meat on my bones" continued the hilarious presenter.

Homes's wife Ruth supported her husband saying "My Eamonn is a healthy 20 stones with a 48 inch waist but i still love him. He might be morbidly obese but I like to have something to grab on to. Who wants a weedy man like Ben Sheppered anyway? Not me. My big strong man could have the likes of him on a butty."

Best not give him ideas eh Ruth!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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