St. Andrews, Scotland. On Thursday Brian Land, president of the University of St. Andrews, happily announced that out-of-date halls were to be revolutionised during a drastic new scheme that replaces the old ‘backward', and ‘inefficient' halls with 21st century ‘state-of-the-art' refugee camps. "It's something that we think will improve conditions for the majority of students here at the university," he smiled "This will be the biggest thing to hit St Andrews since cancer!"
Following the sale of Hamilton Hall, both Albany and Fife Park have been demolished and replaced with the first makeshift shanty towns supervised by UNICEF, the Red Cross and an army of robots programmed to kill. The remaining halls, including Andrew Melville, University, and John Bernet are to be phased out and flattened for university re-education camps, sweatshops and Starbucks.
The camps, at £165 a week per person, are equipped with the most modern refugee technology available. Tent cities with three people bunk-beds were erected with 40-50 people per tent. Changing and storage areas have been made communal with every person entitled to 1 square metre of space for books, clothes, computers, and oxygen. "I just carry my things around with me," snickers inmate Martin Wilson whilst showing me his rucksack. "Stops others from taking them. See that's smart and you've got to be smart in here, if you want to survive".
"But seriously, it's been swell" continues Wilson as he scratches lice from his scalp, "There's one outdoor toilet for every 5 people, which is great because I used to live in Liverpool."
Food and Sanity, a common policy in most refugee camps, is being regulated by the Red Cross along with Supnet, and for the most part the students seem to enjoy the new catering: "The foods ok here," says six stone hottie Maria Evans "it's better than hall food used to be, only there's less of it. Much, much less…"
Showering facilities are in stalls and the health of every individual is carefully monitored. Students are cleansed upon arrival, receiving flu jabs and body shaving, together with a complimentary packet of rubber gloves. Eating is broken down into four regulated one-hour shifts where as many as two meals a day can be enjoyed by students, who also have the option of waiting for airdrops of rice by UNICEF.
Official Reactions to the refugee camps are surprisingly sceptical of the idea of living in tents. NUS sources say that, although St. Andrews is not a member of their program, it is "appalled that such an idea could be entertained" and will pressurise the University to consider wooden structures for the detainees. The Student Association also condemned the President for using tents but stressed, "It's still our Union, and there is still a Bop every Thursday." All sides agree that the present structures are ‘Ghetto Fabulous', compared to halls.
Students on the street reflected this view as they were corralled into milking machines by guards. "The conditions that they expect us to live in aren't that bad compared to Fife Park," stresses Katie Walters "it's just way too expensive." She shrugs, "It could be worse, I could be disabled."