Written by Erskin Quint
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Sunday, 18 July 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - 'Back of the Wight' Archaeological Study Published
Professor Trench-Litmus: "Cut To The Chase" Not In His Methodology, Obviously

The University of Newport Department of Archaeology has published the results of its lengthy 'Back of the Wight' area study, writes Local History, Country Matters and Gardening Correspondent, Percy Trowel.

The study was funded with the help of sponsorship from Mottistone & Brighstone Womens Institute, Ken Alty's Edwardian Barbers & Ice Cream Parlour, Freshwater and Isle of Wight Glass, St Lawrence.

These data, reported by Visiting Professor of Archaeology, Hubert Trench-Litmus, offer some quite interesting insights into our Island past.

I spoke to Professor Trench-Litmus yesterday, in an effort to glean some highlights that might whet the appetites and spark the interests of Isle of Wight News readers.

I first asked the Professor about the methodology of the study. He began, "We have taken a longtitudinal approach involving multi-layering and sub-lateral indexing studies which, by introducing a Pons-Mandible graphic to the core datum, we were able to ratify - with appropriate attention at all times to the Jolliffe-Cattermole Quasi-Reticular Array - in a contra-linear cascading trellis.

"We have adopted such an approach in order to provide clarity in the data. Archaeological data can be confusing. I initially proposed to move forward, qua Professor Heinz Bratwurst of Bikkleheim, by means of the so-called Triple Alliance of Montecute's Invisible Triadic Polymorphism, Gillebrande & Drouning's 'Camel-Spitting' Theorum and Lettercombe, Varty & Inchfeather's 'Method of Ambulant Pounding', and this seemed a sensible modus operandum. However, the first few cross-sections revealed serious issues with the sample data. It was clear that we would have to take a more conservative line of attack. I decided to adopt Lucian Pelve's Measurement by Oblique Shadowing technique, and it was our happy discovery that judicial use of Pelve, along with an occasional nod to Carpenter & Walrus' 'Happy Digging for Budding Archaeologists', would ensure significant progress. At last, we were on our way."

After an hour of this discussion, I felt that it was time I gave Professor Trench-Litmus a gentle nudge in the direction of some concrete results. I thanked him for his detailed exposition of the development of the study's methodology, and asked if he could perhaps begin to expand on some of the findings of the study.

He continued. "Vis a vis our findings, we have deemed it necessary to publish a series of separate papers, since we have completed a study which exhibited a high degree of heterogeneity. These papers have been formulated using the Layered Cross-Referencing process first posited in 1956 by Krupp, Obeliske & Krupp. Now, notwithstanding our desire to produce an open-ended set of results, we did find it appropriate to factor into our publication a Klutterheim-Browne analysis which, applied to the raw data, went most of the way to..."

It was at this point that I had to bring our interview to an end, for I had other appointments. I do cover Country Matters and Gardening too, and the shadows were lengthening, the sky began to bruise, and the gloaming was a-gathering.

But do not despair, gentle reader. Join me anon, when I hope to be able to vouchsafe some of the actual results of this monumental study.

I may have to do it without the assistance of Professor Trench-Litmus, however.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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