Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 18 July 2010

image for Isle Of Wight News - Ryde Teenager Wins 'Island's Biggest Tits' Contest
Stranger Things Happen At Sea Than On Islands. But There's Not Much In It.

Ryde teenager Ingrid Topbollix awoke this morning to her first day as the girl with the biggest tits on the island, after running second last year to Chesty Jordan of Cowes.

Ingrid, 19, of Jiggy Street in Ryde is looking forward to assuming her civic duties as the girl with the biggest tits on the island, and beamed with pride as she gazed lovingly at the twelve inch high solid plastic 'OilyTitWank' trophy on the mantlepiece.

But there's more to Ingrid than just a mightily impressive 34FF set of top bollocks.

"All the lads round here tell me I'm the best flautista that they've ever known. Although I haven't the faintest idea what that means. Actually."

Ingrid then insisted on showing our reporter her prize winning assets, coyly revealing her magnificent orbs, and then making them bounce, twirl, spin, and defy gravity in all directions. At once.

She went on to say that her win had secured her a twelve month unpaid stint at the Crown Of Thorns pub on Ryde Esplanade as a topless aquatic go-go dancer, quipping that the experience would prove invaluable.

She then offered to show our man a trick involving two freshly sharpened HB pencils, some tassels, a live frog, a packet of prawn cocktail flavoured crisps, a twelve inch ruler and a bottle of Johnstone's Baby Lotion. And a packet of kippers.

For twenty five quid.

At which point, our reporter mumbled some excuse or other and left.

Meanwhile, in Cowes, deposed 'big tits' queen, Chesty Jordan offered her congratulations to Ingrid Topbollix, and said to our man that as she is no longer the girl with the biggest tits on the island, she could offer him a discount.

A blow job for a fiver.

He took her up on it, and we haven't seen him since.

More as he gets it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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