Fackin ell. Me fackin old mam went on er oliday to fackin Greece an now she's fackin stuck there coz she can't get a fackin flight back ome.
She booked this fackin oliday on the internet with this company called fackin Goldentrail or somefink. Cost er undred fackin quid for a week all inclusive, not cheap or nuffink. Then these cants go bust coz theyve got no money or somefink and now when I try an call em they wont answer the fackin phone.
She's out there with me sister, er usband, their 5 kids, Chesney, Coco, Sunset, Britney an little Primark, er usband's brother, is brother's missus, their 6 kids, Pernod, Mojito, Stella, Chardonay, Tequila and little Jack Daniels, is brother's missus's sister and er 8 kids from 3 different blokes, Bristol, Swindon, Lincoln, Clapham Junction, Bognor, Benidorm, Coventry and little Knutsford Services, er current fella and is 4 kids Beckham, Scholes, Giggs and the ugly little facker Neville, is sister and her usband, their 5 kids, Snoop, Usher, Fiddy, Flava an little Ghostface Killah, er usbands cousin and is wife, their kid, a little freak wiv a stupid fackin name, Thomas.
So why aren't I out there wiv my my missus and our 11 kids, Cant, Fack, Facker, Fackin Cant, Fack Off, Fack Off Cant, Fackin Facker, Cant Junior, Cantin Fack, Fackface, and little CAAANNNNTT you might be askin?
Well I can't be coz I'm currently doin 18 months inside for givin a copper a bit of a slap. Ee comes up to me an asks me to stop swearin or somefink so I fackin says to him, 'What are you gonna fackin do about it you cant?' So ee tries to grab me to for some reason so I nut the cant right in the nose and as ee falls down I lift me boot straight in to is fackin chin. Fackin blood everywhere there was. Cant deserved it though.
Anyway what was the point of this fackin story?
Oh yeah I was talkin about me fackin old Mam being stuck out in fackin Greece. She says the fackin kids are playin up coz theyre so fackin bored so they've taken to nickin stuff from the Duty Free an spittin on anyone that don't speak English. Stupid foreign cants.
I fackin ate them foreigners. Did I ever tell you about the time when I twatted this foreign cant? Ee was from Scotland or somewhere an I couldn't understand a fackin word ee was saying coz ee was fackin pissed as a cant. So I smashed an empty pint glass on is fackin foreign face an stuck my fackin boot on is chin just as ee was falling down. Fackin blood everywhere. Cant couldn't speak is foreign shite after that coz the cant didn't av any fackin teeth left.
Right I'm gonna av a wank now coz there's some bird on the TV wiv er fackin tits out. Fackin massive tits they are too. Did I ever tell you about the time I facked a bird with massive fackin tits? I did? Fack me I'm a boring cant aren't I?
YOU FACKIN CANT