Tim Henman, the tennis-er, has finally been defeated in this year's Wimbledon tournament. Henman, who despite not having a very good voice is UK No. 1 (sorry), has laid the blame of his hugely unexpected defeat upon the shoulders of his unworthy and French opponent, Monsieur Pierre Van Damme.
Speaking exclusively to TheSpoof.com and thirty-two other news sources, Henman revealed: "My opponent was, I think, the main reason for me losing." The ball-whacker added: "I categorically deny all rumours that I lost cos I'm shit."
With Henman out of the picture, bookies now have odds-on that he will NOT win the tournament. William Hill has placed 7/4 on a player with an unprounounceable name (such as Ivaniseicekilieatisk) to win. And the odds are 2/1 on Venus Williams' boobs bouncing up and blinding her left eye.
Meanwhile, Henman's defeat - his seventy-second (this month) - has resonated throughout the country. None are more shocked that Tim's father, Mr Henman. Said Henman: "I don't care."
Devoted fans, however, remain ever hopeful, with many still gathered on 'Henman Hill', a little sandwich van arriving every Thursday to supply them with enough picnic material to last the week. Their continual cries of "G'wan, Tim!", seventeen hours (and counting) after Tim's last match, do not go unheard, though. Whenever he gets a spare moment, Len, the caretaker, throws a few broken bottles at the faithful fans, so he can mow the grass.