London - (Sacriledge News): The immediate return of the sella stercoraria - or dung seat - test has been ordered by Pope Joe Ratzinger.
Stung by a Vatican Internal Affairs probe naming 'literally hundreds' of covert women priests and bishops masquerading as bona fide male clergy the Pontiff is re-instigating the traditional medieval papal consecration ceremony apparatus.
This was used for over 600 years after the successful infiltration of the Vatican's hallowed secret passages by Pope Joan - the 9th century female Pontiff who has been systematically excised from Church hystery.
The throne-like device is said to be 'pierced in the middle like a toilet.'
Supplicants are ordered to sit on it while their genitals are examined for signs of manhood.
Centuries of tradition saw the inspection team solemnly inform the congregated assembly: 'Mas nobis nominus est' - which translates roughly "It's a bloke, alright!"
The holey-chair was subsequently adapted for initiation of altar boys and seminarians preparing for traditional rite of back passage ceremonies.
During World War II Hitler's Pope Pius XII often brought out his own imperial sella stercoraria on Pontifical poker nights and Vatican sleep-overs for visiting dignitaries.
The Vatican library is said to hold hundreds of Polaroid snaps taken of eminent client dictators' privates including Benito Mussolini, General Franco, Joseph Stalin, General Pinochet, Presidents Reagan-Bush1-and-Bush2, Vladimir Putin, Tony Blair and Pope Joe Ratzinger's daughter Angela Merkel.
A UK legal bid to 'nail Papa Ratzi's pervy ass' on paedo cover-up charges has reached the UK Official Secrets Act exemption stage.