Written by Herr Riballs
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Topics: Raoul Moat

Thursday, 15 July 2010

The Policeman BLASTED in the face by crazed gunman Raoul Moat has told reporters that he bears no ill feeling towards the man that has left him blind for life.

In an emotional bedside interview heroic cop, ex porn star, Ron Jeremy said:

"His girl and me were making out in the back of my patrol vehicle. Nothing heavy, just petting and foolin' around some. Then out of the blue this freakin' huge guy shows up and I'm like 'Whoa this guy's packin' a piece.'  Turns out he hates ex porn star cops. Then crazy guy shoots me in the right cheek.  Said he were kinda p*ssed or summin' catchin' me with his broad. Well, I was raised in the Mid West with strong Christian values and Sunday School taught me to turn the other cheek. So I did. Then he slugs me in that one too, the b*stard" he reflected.

Chicken

Ron continued "The rest is all a blur. It all got kinda weird when some drunken bum shows up with a fishin' rod, bag o' chicken legs and some liquor. The three of us sat down by the river, ate chicken, shared a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch and fished some. That's when I passed out; in a dressing gown that drunken bum made me wear. The schmuck." "Word on the street is he's some failed soccer star who used to be a clown".

Tears

Movingly, blind Ron tearfully said "I don't blame the shootist cos he seemed such a regular guy." Bravely he went on "I wanna put this behind me, shoot some pool, go to the ballgame, learn me some braille."

Asked if he would challenge a gunman again he said "Are you shittin' me wiseguy ? Next time i'd turn a blind eye, dude".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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