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Tuesday, 13 July 2010

image for The Raoul Moat early release from jail scheme, may have to be "accepted" by the public
A miniature Wehrmacht required to keep down the cost of the criminal justice system.

HM Probation Service, London: As part of attempts to keep down the cost of the criminal justice system, the probation watchdog has suggested that Murders and other serious crimes committed by prisoners such as Raoul Moat, released early from jail, may have to be "accepted" by the public.

This statement issued on the 12th July 2010, comes two days after a miniature Wehrmacht had been turned out, after waiting in reserve and ready to fan out across Northumberland in coalscuttle helmets. The miniature Wehrmacht were draped in enough weaponry to take on the Taliban, as they sought to eliminate Raoul Moat who was released early.

In extraordinary comments Andrew Bridges, the Chief Inspector of Probation, based in Ashley House London said the public must decide if it is worth bearing the "cost" of reoffending in order to save money by not keeping criminals in jail for longer. Murders and other serious crimes committed by released prisoners may have to be "accepted" by society because it is cheaper that keeping them locked up, the probation watchdog signalled on the 12th July 2010.

In the search for Raoul Moat, helicopters had chattered in the sky, RAF jets had been scrambled and armoured cars were requisitioned from Ulster. Pseudo-military outfits were kitted out with coalscuttle helmets to the Northumbrian miniature Wehrmacht, before they went on manoeuvres using a controversial new unapproved Taser gun. The XREP weapon - a pump-action 'rifle' more powerful than the standard hand-held Taser, was used on Raoul Moat and did not have full Home Office approval, the Independent Police Complaints Commission later confirmed.

In extraordinary comments Andrew Bridges, the Chief Inspector of Probation, said the public must decide if it is worth bearing the "cost" of reoffending in order to save money by not keeping criminals in jail for longer, as the The Northumbrian miniature Wehrmacht stood down from their manoeuvres.

In the current financial crisis, Andrew Bridges questioned whether it was worth spending millions of pounds a year keeping large numbers behind bars just to prevent one of them reoffending, when a miniature Wehrmacht could be deployed instead.

Describing prison as a "rather drastic form of crime prevention", Andrew Bridges said it was time to consider dealing with more offenders in the community, so that viewers of reality TV could again see another miniature Wehrmacht in action kitted out with coalscuttle helmets, with helicoptor and laser guided RAF fighter planes in the sky, on SKY TV!!

Andrew Bridges raised the "emotionally charged topic" despite accepting that risks to the public cannot be eliminated and that prison does reduce crime, even saying any "individual incidents" that result, such as Raoul Moat should not be viewed as a failing system. Deployment of the coalscuttled miniature Wehrmacht will keep the Police busy and off the streets, as they will on manoeuvres instead.

Ready to turn out, constantly waiting and monitoring on CCTV in reserve, with an ability to fan out across the whole of the United Kingdom, the coalscuttled miniature Wehrmacht just can't wait to be on the TV again soon, being as much in love with celebrity as any contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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