Written by P Turton
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Thursday, 3 July 2003

Following the massively successful release of the fifth Harry Potter novel, 'The Delayed Phoenix Order', Joanne K. Roald Rune Rowling today revealed shocking new plot twists for book six. Underaged drinking, drug experimentation and teenage sex will feature heavily in the new novel which will begin Harry's difficult transition into adulthood.

Given how traumatic Harry's life has been so far, with his parents murdered, friends slain and constantly having to cheat death, it seems inevitable that Harry should go off the rails at some point.

Book six will see Harry develop a rebellious streak, start fights, get drunk and lose his virginity to a fellow pupil before saving the day at the end, if he can be bothered.

"I'm often criticized for skirting real issues," said Rowling "I aim to redress the balance with my sixth novel and take the series in an entirely new direction."

J.R.K.R Rowling defended her disclosures "It's what happens in real schools these days and frankly I'm a bit bored of writing about this magic sh*t."

In another shock move, school swot Hermione is to become the school tramp and will find herself pregnant to Draco Malfoy. Forced to leave Hogwarts because of bullying she will start work in a discount magic shop.

Ginger Ron meanwhile will discover the pleasures of marihuana and ecstasy before being expelled by Dumbledore for growing magic mushrooms and organising an illegal rave in the forbidden forest.

"Basically I'm giving the novel a more contemporary feel, it's going to be a bit more Judy Bloom meets Grange Hill."

Harry Potter and the Drunken Fumble in the Dark will be released when it is finished sometime, whenever.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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