London - (Ass Mess): Holed up in the Royal Freak Hospital's Dildo - er...Lindo! - Wing the Girls Aloud singer has stunned medical science.
Some of her pustulating bed sores erupted last night staining the sterilised hosptial sheeting with a mysterious Turin Shroud-like image.
Night sweats, convulsions and countless mishaps with the bedpan have seen the Madonna of the Malignant Malaria reduced to tears.
And now those bodily secretions have left an indelible mark in the shape of a female Jacques de Molay outline - much like the famous Shroud in the Vatican.
The hospital's security department said today they fear a posse of carbon dating boffins could arrive at any minute to snatch the soiled linen ahead of an online auction bidding frenzy.
Ashley Cole is six foot nothing.