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Thursday, 7 April 2005

image for Brown & Letwin Clash Round the Bike Sheds
Hair Puller

Conservative Shadow Chancellor, Oliver Letwin was said to recovering well after allegedly being beaten in a brawl with Gordon Brown.

A House of Commons source has told us that the clash took place, "Round the back of the Commons near the bike sheds."

It is understood that the two rivals squared up to each other after a particularly vicious debate in The House where Mr Letwin called the chancellor, "A girly swat who spends all his time playing with economy instead of getting down to some real boys games."
Mr. Brown, though somewhat taken aback replied, "Yeah! Well you're only jealous ‘cos you want to be Chancellor. Anyway, Tony says I can be Prime Minister soon."
"You can't trust anything that lying poof says!" retorted Letwin. "Anyway, you won't get the chance to be PM ‘cos we're gonna win the election!"

Confusion ensued as Mr Brown leapt across the benches and pushed Mr. Letwin in the chest whilst taunting him with shouts of "Come on then!" To which Mr Letwin replied, "Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?"
Mr Speaker suspended the debate and it was agreed that Brown and Letwin would meet to settle their dispute like real men later that day. "I'll hold your coat, Olly." Volunteered Tory leader Michael Howard as the chamber emptied.

Our eye-witness report follows.

Upon reaching the fight venue Letwin struck a stance reminiscent of the bare knuckle fighter, John L. Sullivan with Brown preferring a Kung Fu type pose. The two men then circled and taunted each other while members of the opposing parties looked on and cheered.
Eventually, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott pushed Mr Brown into Mr Letwin shouting, "Stop messing about, Gordon! Hit the poof!"
In the resulting scuffle Letwin fell to the ground and with blood pouring from a knee wound shouted, "These are new trousers! My mum'll go mad! You're really in trouble now Brown!"
The Conservative Shadow Cabinet gathered around their weeping champion and led him away saying that they were taking him to see the nurse.

Both parties have claimed victory. Tory Leader Mr. Howard said. "Brown's a cheat. He fights like girl. Pulling hair isn't allowed so Olly won really."

Tony Blair said that he was delighted with the result, "There was only going to be one winner." He smiled. When asked about Mr. Howard's accusations of cheating he replied, "Well Gordon only grabbed his hair after Letwin went for his goolies. What else was he expected to do?"

Mr Charles Kennedy, leader of the Liberal Democrats said, "This is just another example of the playground politics which are destroying the people's respect for Parliament and politicians."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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