Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: Cheryl Cole

Monday, 12 July 2010

image for Cheryl Cole Million Seller
Cheryl washes down her third Curry with a cold Newcastle Brown Ale!

It seems that while she languishes in her £3,000 per hour private hospital bed fighting off a bad attack of 'Hough Malaria' Cheryl Tweedy keeps drifting in and out of conciousness. During these restless periods she has been heard to moan erotically, sigh, ramble, beg for more dirty talk and hum, the latter a by product of the rich spicy curry meals that she is having couriered in from Al's Darjeeling Restaurant, Newcastle.

In the event, during one of her frequent 'nappy' changes, carried out by senior male nurse, Tarquin Hussain, he noted that Cheryl's constant mutterings were quite catchy and melodious, if not downright fucking horny! Thus, Tarquin had taken to unofficially recording much of this incoherent rambling on his trusty re-conditioned reel-to-reel tape recorder while having a hand shandy over the bedsheets.He then apparently approached Simon Cashcow with a view to having the recordings remixed, remastered and released as a sort of 2010 version of 'Je Taime' with himself standing in for Serge Gainsbourg sans underwear.

After skilful negotiation Sid struck a perfect deal with Simon to wit; he receives endless free tickets to any and all future X-Factor Shows, gets to shag every female guest judge, plus one of Simon's soiled T-Shirts. In return Simon gets sole custody of the tapes which he personally finds a total turn on due to having the hots for Ms Tweedy and a burning desire to get into her pants and give her 1,000%!

It is unknown at this stage whether or not Simon Cashcow will ever allow the tapes to be released in CD format but for the time being they are definately for his listening and anatomical pleasure only.

Meanwhile, reports are coming in that Derek Hough is frantically trying to sell the sex tape of him and Cheryl 'going at it like wild animals' in a mud hut in Tanzania, reports indicate that Louis Walsh is considering feigning heterosexuality in order to make a credible bid!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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