Written by Marvus
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Topics: Weather

Thursday, 7 April 2005

image for April Showers to last May, June, July
Artist's False Impression

Hope sprang eternal earlier this month when the weather set an unprecedented example of being sunny for longer than the average 3.2 hours. Still, meteorologists are warning Fife residents not to get ‘too comfortable' and should instead start thinking about pulling out their wet weather gear as all signs point to a heavy spell of rain from mid-April through to July in the year 2020.

The forecast is as follows. Rain will start early July 17th with moderate to light showers, followed by medium to heavy down pour from the 18th till mid May when gale force 7 winds and a cold snap will turn rain into sleet for a month. Experts then suspect that drizzly-mist, the kind that soak to the skin and make glasses useless, is most likely to takeover for around ten to fifteen years before the clouds part again, when the sun will once again ‘shine on bonny Scotland' and permit glasses wearing nerds to see once more.

"Rain will cover all of Scotland for the foreseeable future", said meteorologist Lee Bailey, "All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not living there and that if I was then I'd probably move to Uruguay, mostly because I like the food but also because I've always wanted to learn Spanish. Did I ever tell you ho-"

This sudden rush in rain weather could be linked to global warming, say experts. As the polar ice caps melt, it simultaneously creates a larger body of ocean from which water can evaporate to form rain, while disrupting the warm water currents off the United States' east coast, which steadily keep Europe from a mini-iceage. By maintain our environment, the current generates pressure areas that sweep the UK's rain clouds (though somewhat unsuccessfully) over Belgium, Germany, and Poland. However, desalination prevents this naturally occurring phenomenon from working.


Despite the odds, the Scottish remain positive about the reports and has their own suspicion over the cause. "Aye, we'll no' be lyin' doon fur tha English" screams one anonymous drunk "Ah've bin trainin' mysel' to drink loads anyhoo an finally ah hev a chance ta prove mah wort by consumin' as much as ah cun".

So, will Scotland drown in something other than its own sorrows? Is this the submersible end of a nation that has a lot of relatives in the US? According to Bailey, yes, it is. "You are, quite literally, fucked. Unless you are able to tread water for a decade or so, then you'll be alright."



April, known for its sporadic climatic conditions, has been commonly linked with healthy rain and the resulting influx of spring/summer seasons. As the old saying goes "April showers bring May flowers", not to mention June bugs and July insect repellent.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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